difficult. I’m only one day in. Yesterday, one hour after receiving my negative test and being told by the doctor that I should keep my distance from my covid+ husband and son, I was excited for my staycation. Excited to lay in bed and smoke weed and watch trashy tv until my eyeballs fell out. Here I am, one day in and already ready to tap out.

I decided to take the little for a walk. Typically we go out every morning, spend a few hours in the sunshine before it gets too hot. I figured if I put him in the stroller, he’d be facing away from me and then with the outdoor fresh air and movement, it should be low risk. About halfway through our walk, he started to cough. Overall we have been very lucky that both he and my husband have had mild symptoms. But, in this moment, it all hit me.

Two years ago today, we took him home from the hospital. He was discharged from the NICU after being treated for respiratory distress that caused low oxygenation levels. The days that he spent in the NICU were the scariest, hardest days of my life. I was so helpless.

One year ago, on the night before his first birthday, we took my son to the emergency room of the same hospital he was born in. He had been sick for a couple days and had a fever of 104 that wouldn’t come down, even with medication. My son was lethargic, his breathing was rapid at times, labored at others. I sat in the hospital bed with his little body draped across mine, trying to synch his heartbeat, his breath, with mine.

Here we are, less than a week after his second birthday. He’s coughing in the stroller and all I can do is watch. I want to hold him, put my head against his chest and listen to his breathing. Is he getting enough air? I feel so helpless.

We get home and all I can do is remind my husband: keep an eye on his coughing, every once and a while put him in your lap and listen to his breathing, listen to his heartrate, monitor him for any sign of fever. And I go back into my room– isolation. I hear my son start screaming and crying “no temperature, no take temperature.” I hear my husband’s exasperated pleas “come on baby, we need to do it. We need to check.” Now, my husband is a wonderful father; he’s got this. I know he does. 

But I also know that my son is crying, and he’s scared, and he needs me. 

And I am so helpless.

love:

Negative Space by Mungo Thomas, (2006 - )

love:

“Some people hide their sadness very well.” —Khaled Hosseini

Painting by Fulati Tayierjiang

love:

Art by Anders Rokkum,  Animation by TheGlitch

She and I were sitting in a jail cell together. She was sobered up from her morning binge of far too many pain pills, finally could hold a conversation. I told her she was scaring me. I reminded her of our promise to each other, just a couple years prior. We promised we’d never go down this road. We knew where it led. She promised she’d do better. I promised I’d do anything I could to keep her clean. We both broke our promises. And I’ll probably regret that until the day I die.

I wrote this earlier today on my notes app, while trying to parent my toddler without falling apart. This evening, while browsing this blog I haven’t used for years, I found a post I wrote about her. About me, about her. The date? 12:36am on 3/20/13. She died almost exactly 5 years later on 3/18/18.

4clovesofsummer:

Emma Watson photographed by Bernardo Doral

slab-o-meat:

oh to be a mouse with a sardine tin for a bed

edenfenixblogs:

edenfenixblogs:

the-omniscient-narrator:

spacevinci:

somethingratchet:

sheisraging:

Cindy: Hey… can I be a Jew?

Rabbi: No.

Cindy: Can I be a Jew?

Rabbi: No.

Cindy: Can I be a Jew?

Rabbi: You really want this? Sincerely? Not ‘cause this one’s trying to blackmail me for something stupid when I was 19 or for broccoli with your dinner? What is this for you?

Cindy: Honestly, I think I found my people. I was raised in a church where I was told to believe and pray. And if I was bad, I’d go to hell. And if I was good, I’d go to heaven. And if I’d ask Jesus, he’d forgive me and that was that. And here y’all are sayin’ ain’t no hell. Ain’t sure about heaven. And if you do something wrong, you got to figure it out yourself. And as far as God’s concerned, it’s your job to keep asking questions and to keep learning and to keep arguing. It’s like a verb. It’s like … you do God. And that’s a lot of work, but I think I’m in, as least as far as I can see it. I mean, maybe I’ll learn more and say fuck the whole thing, I mean, but I wanna learn more, and I think I gotta be in it to do that. You know… Does that make sense? Shit, did I just talk myself out of it?

Rabbi: Ask me again.

Cindy: Can I be a Jew?

Rabbi: Yes.

I cried so hard during this scene.

First of all, this is beautiful.

Second of all, as a contextual note, the rabbi said no for a reason. In Jewish conversion, one of the steps is that you must be discouraged at least three times. This comes from the story of Ruth, where Naomi told her not to follow her back to the Jewish tribe three times before giving in.

Third of all, this is beautiful.

Adrienne KILLED it in those scenes. I wept with her!

“It’s like a verb.” She wants to work on her faith continuously and that was gorgeous and so honest.

THIS WAS SO IMPORTANT DO U UNDERSTAND. We aren’t a people who actively convert people. You’ll never see a Jewish person try to convert you. We believe in everyone’s right to believe what they want. But it was so nice to see someone who wasn’t raised in it be able to see value in my faith. I have never seen anything like that on tv before

bringing this back, because it delights me.

blairtrabbit:

purpleneenee:

mikewytrykus:

The Milt Kahl Head Swaggle
(Source: Cartoon Brew)

I love it when you can pick up an animator’s quirks. 

     I’ve read in old interviews with Milt Khal’s fellow animators that he did the swaggle to purposefully show off. Moving the head in 3-d space is an exceptionally hard thing to do but Khal upped the level of difficulty to a place many animators wouldn’t go.
     Not only are they all doing the swaggle you’ll notice they are all TALKING while they are doing it. This is back in the days where you had to use a timing sheet to pace your animation and a head swaggle doesn’t work if its too slow or too fast so he had to figure out the right speed so it looked natural while the character finishes what they have to say while not interfering with the distinct mouth shapes.
      Not only did Khal do it without any shifting weight problems or timing issues he would often do it while moving the rest of the body. This isn’t his signature move just because he was good at it.This is his signature move because he was one of the only people skilled enough to DO IT AT ALL.

Milt Khal was a MASTER.

imaradiocure:

now and again it seems worse than it is, but mostly the view is accurate.

Bright Eyes

self indulgent.